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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Becoming Kate Jackson: @juliejulie Goes to Kickboxing

Some things have changed since I was a kid. When I was 13, the Kick-Ass crime fighters wore sequins, and my best friend and I wanted to be just like them.

Now, they wear spandex and do Kickboxing, and we still want to be like them.

Yesterday I had my first Kickboxing class with a delightful person named Erin Joy of Will Race Performance Studio. Her name suits her.

Erin was happy to be there. I was too, until about 10 minutes into it. Then I realized that Kickboxing is really just a forum for doing lunges to hip-hop music.

But Erin's joy was a bit contagious, and I had to focus so hard on watching her and copying her moves, that I distracted myself just enough to make it through the hour. Well, most of the hour.

Erin looks much stronger than any of the original Charlies Angels. This makes me doubt their authenticity. If I were in a dark alley, I think I'd rather have Erin with me than Farrah, Kate or Jaclyn.

I think Erin would protect me from bad guys, and she'd be happy doing it:

Here is another reason Erin is buff:

She calls this the One Armed Plank and she made us try it after we kicked for an hour. I call it nearly impossible. You could try this at home, but I should warn you, it can lead to falling flat on your face and bonking your nose.

I still want to be like Kate Jackson, so I'll be doing Kickboxing again next week. If anyone wants to join me, Erin will be happy to let you try a free class. Sequins optional.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Snap Fitness Fun: @juliejulie Plays with Malibu Stacey and Her Big Black Tubes

The secret world of personal trainers seems wacky to me. They must have closed-door meetings where they sit around and think of new forms of torture for their clients.

"Hey, let's take a big PVC pipe, fill it with water, cap it at both ends, then make them hold it while they do lunges!" (Insert shrieks of laughter and high-fives all around.)

Malibu Stacey: "I love this thing!"   

Dork Alert: @juliejulie "This is ridiculous!"

After I made fun of Stacey and her silly ideas for a while (in a feeble attempt to get her to stop making me work so hard - which didn't work) she took me over to the high tech area, where they have "real" fitness machines. 

We addressed the arm issue. I'm hoping she'll make my arms look like Michelle Obama's. She's hoping I'll stop whining

@juliejulie: ""     

Malibu Stacey: "Light as a feather!"

And then, when she made sure my arms were all Jello-ish, she made me do the dreaded wall sit. I specifically said no wall sits, but she claims she didn't get the memo. She lies sometimes, I think.
This is me saying I will play her little "Wall Sit" game for two seconds.

This is Stacey getting distracted from counting to two. She was too busy taking pictures of herself to pay attention to me and my angst. 

"I'm counting, I'm counting!" she says, between shots. Of herself.

This Stacey girl is sort of wearing me out. She says that's her job.

Here's are some reasons I do like Stacey though:

  1. She said I don't have to run faster or longer, I actually have to run slower. Apparently, my body's grown used to my same old, same old 3-4 mile loop I've been doing for the past year, and what I really need to do is stay in my fat burning zone longer, not switch over to the muscle burning zone. For me, that's a slow jog or very fast walk. Sounds good to me.
  2. She said my food journal looked great but I need to eat more lean meat and veggies at dinner. I love meat, because it is not sushi or tofu, so I'm all for this plan.
  3. I'm not nearly as sore today as I was after the first day I worked out with her. I think that's good news. I haven't said "Bad Stacey!" even once today.
Next time, I'll tell you all about Bambi. She and her husband run the Will Race Performance Studio which partners with Snap Fitness at Northwest Crossing in Bend. They are marathoners, and she will make me do some kick boxing, I think. It should be a real hoot.

Friday, April 10, 2009

@juliejulie meets Malibu Stacey

This is Stacey. She's my new personal trainer at Snap Fitness in Bend. She is nothing like the Malibu Stacey Lisa Simpson sparred with a few years back, but I like to think I am as cool as the Lisa Lionheart doll that Lisa created to be a smart, intelligent option for young girls to look up to. Of course, Malibu Stacey was a hit, and only one little girl bought Lisa Lionheart.

But that's not the point. At least I don't think so, but I'm not sure what my point is here.

So anyway, it turns out that in addition to being cute, my Stacey is smart and funny and in terrifically good shape. She has two little kids and knows about real life, and will help me get in shape for the long haul.

Plus she did not make me get on a scale, so I think we'll be friends.

Also, she said I could still drink one shot of vodka a night, fine with her, no problem, as long as it was just one. And that if I was going to a party and wanted two drinks, I just couldn't drink one the next night. And when I asked her if I could save all seven drinks for one night, she said sure, that was fine. I might die, but theoretically, it was fine

We might become best friends.

Also, she laughed at my lame jokes, the ones I told to try to distract her from forcing me to do horrible things like lunges:

I was hoping there'd be no lunges. Resistance was futile.

She also made me balance on this squishy ball thingy

which is much harder than it looks. Stacey's quick as a wink with a steady hand, because she snapped this picture right before I fell off, and was nice enough not to take another shot of me crumpled up on the ground stifling bad words.

But since I was down there she made me do sit ups.

This is me sporting my new, totally fake smile, can you tell?

But the main reason I like Stacey is I know she worked hard to take the most flattering pictures of me possible, which is not easy, and I have some really bad ones to prove it, and she did not roll her eyes at me for being a tricky combination of chubby and vain.

She did not once say: "Maybe if you work out more, you'll have a good reason to be vain, and maybe this song could be about you," because she would not say such a mean thing. I don't think she is vain, but she should be. If I were her, I would be.

If my Stacey had a string on her back like Malibu Stacey, she would probably say things like:

"Ten more seconds! Yes. I am looking at a real clock. Yes. It has a real second hand."

She is a good sport, this Stacey person. And I spent most of yesterday forcing myself not to say "Bad Stacey!" every time I sat down. Or stood up. Or, you know, moved.

Plus, she friended me on Facebook, which means I can't complain about her online. See, told you she was smart.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

@juliejulie in a Bikini?

So, good for you Valerie. I know getting your body back took a lot of work, especially since you had to eat Jenny Craig food for a very long time to do it.

And it must be really fun for you to wear a bikini again. As someone who's never worn a bikini, except maybe as a confident, chubby four year old, I'm not sure what it feels like.

If I could wear a bikini, would I? It seems like I'm too old for that kind of thing now, but hey, you are older than me, and you seem to have pulled it off.

There may be air brushing involved in this picture of you, which I will not have access to at the beach, but I will accept you as you appear, and your bravery for sharing your struggle with your weight anyway.

I have to admit, this picture of you got me thinking about me (like usual!) and my 43 year old body. It made me wonder if I could get into bikini shape, even if I choose to wear a modest tankini from J. Crew instead of a sexy mint green thingy that could be untied quick as a wink by a naughty prankster.

In my attempt to be brave and change my body from very flabby to less flabby, I've decided to partner with Matt and Kim Barrett, owners of two of Bend, Oregon's Snap Fitness personal training studios (NW Crossing and Brookswood) and try to get in better shape.

There's a Snap Fitness about a mile from my house, and I hate to drive anywhere far away to work out. It seems silly, like I should just go for a run in my neighborhood and do some sit ups in my family room for heaven's sake, not get in the car and DRIVE to do sit ups.

Right. So, the sit ups in the family room thing? Doesn't really happen much. Also, my husband is not as pushy as those personal trainers are bound to be. When he says "Let's do sit ups!" I say, "Good for you! Go for it!"

At this point I usually run about 15 miles a week, walk with a weight vest for about 10 miles a week, and have cut out wine, and most refined foods, including sugar (except for an occasional piece of birthday pie, when forced). I'm losing a pound or two, here and there, but I know I have to do some weights and push ups to really make the flab melt. I do have muscle, it's just covered up.

So Valerie, I hate push ups as much as sit ups, by the way. Also, wall sits? HATE. And let's not get started on lunges. Did you have to do lunges, or did the Jenny Craig food just magically melt your body into bikini shape on it's own?

Matt did not mention lunges, but he said I should try kickboxing and throw one of those medicine ball thingies around the room. That will be a hoot, I can assure you. There's been talk of video. I may regret this whole thing, shortly.

I will admit I like the idea of Kickboxing. Do I get to wear gloves? Will I end up looking like Hilary Swank? Will Clint Eastwood be there? Seriously, that wouldn't be such a bad thing. I bet Hilary looks good in a bikini.

Did you do kickboxing, Valerie? If so, I hope you weren't wearing the string bikini at the time.

Don't worry Valerie, even if I do get a bikni body like yours, I don't think I'll push you out of the limelight. I doubt if I'll make the cover of People Magazine, and I'm not sure I'd want to. But I'll see what I can do in the next 6 months, and then we'll talk some more.

I'll Snap to it now, and keep you posted. Have fun at the beach, you've earned it, and watch out for naughty pranksters.