Gwenyth Paltrow Quest #1: Chubby Mommy Does Pilates

Okay, so I did it. I entered my first phase of Pilates training at Rebound Sports Performance Lab and let Debby Paltrow, I mean Debby Bowen, teach me how to figure out where my muscles are so I can get that long, lean, movie star look for myself, just in case I need to accept an Oscar for Best Screenplay for "Chubby Mommy Running Club, the Movie."

Hey, it could happen.

I met many of my muscles for the first time during this class, and they spoke to me afterwards, in sort of a "Hello! I'm awake now, thanks for noticing me!" kind of way. They were surprisingly friendly, not hurt or angry like I thought they might be. It's more like they've been sleeping for decades, and a nice prince kissed them awake yesterday.

Debby introduced me to the Pilates tables and straps and handles and stirrups on springs. Yes, stirrups, that you put your feet in. Yes, just like at the doctor's office. The women's doctor that you visit once a year.

But once you put your feet in these stirrups, you just push them to the opposite wall and do some leg circles. So it's not nearly as uncomfortable or mortifying as being at the doctor's, if you know what I mean; although I think she called that the "trap table" and I'm not sure why.

Anyway, we are just working on muscle awareness now, since I didn't realize I had any muscles near my pelvis. I hope this doesn't embarrass anyone, but there are a lot of muscles down there and apparently they're supposed to work with your abs to hold your spine straight. Or something like that. Oh, and the same goes for all those muscles around your belly button.

Personally, I had no idea there were muscles beneath my belly button, but I'm supposed to be aware of them now. And I'm supposed to think of my belly button pressing into the trap table without rocking my pelvis. Goodness!

It seems so complicated, but the way Debby explains it, it's not too hard, and it's more scientific than all that yoga talk. I'm all for yoga, Zen and spiritual enlightenment, but I liked how Debby's bone and muscle conversations seemed to be rather grounded, in a medical type way. I didn't hear as much chakkra talk, chanting, loud Darth Vader-type breathing or grunting going on in the Pilates studio, either. And I didn't smell any incense or excessive body odor at her studio, which was a relief. I'm so not into smelly exercise experiences.

We also worked on bone awareness, which sounds a bit PG-13, but it shouldn't. Debby got me thinking about my skeleton, and where my bones and joints connect, and how all the muscles work to move all the bones.

Learning about my body this way was quite interesting, like a science lecture, but without charts, power point presentations, or even a film strip for visual aid. She made me actually move my legs and arms around, in that "Pilates" sort of way which turns into exercise when you're actually doing it. Hands on learning, I guess. Hands on hips and belly buttons, trying to find muscles, that is.

I like Pilates, so far, but maybe Debby was going easy on me so she wouldn't scare me off. Maybe it gets harder. I get the feeling she couldn't scare anyone if she tried, though, unless she really is Gwyneth Paltrow in disguise, and is just acting like a nice Pilates teacher as research for her next movie. If so, she should win an Oscar, for sure.

But for the record, I don't think she Debby or Gwyneth could play me in the Chubby Mommy Running Club movie. Neither of them are chubby enough, and they both have blond hair.

Maybe Julia Roberts could play me. She could wear a chubby suit at the beginning of the movie, and then melt away into her regular size for the 2nd half, which is what I intend to do for my 2nd half of my life-movie.

I'll keep you posted.