I was trying to figure out what to write today, so I went to a few good blogs for inspiration: Mimi Smartypants, Dooce are great. They are super funny mommies.
I don't think they are chubby, but that's fine, I'd still buy them a drink if they came to Bend. Or if they invited me out to their home towns because they want to be my new best friends. Or even if they just read my blog and leave a comment, because then I'd feel like I was a tiny bit cool and popular, like them.
These blogger ladies say lots of bad words like fuck and stuff on their blogs, which just seems a bit much for my blog. I mean, yes, I do cuss like a sailor sometimes, but usually just when I burn myself on the stove. I hate getting hurt.
And sometimes I say fuck when I'm mad. And sometimes just to be funny. And sometimes, I say it when I'm hanging out with men, because they say it. Although my husband swears he never says it around the kids, because it's very bad manners, and he really wishes I wouldn't say it around them either. I don't mean to. It just slips out sometimes.
The funny thing about him telling me not to cuss, is that I learned to cuss around him. It was when we were both working at a computer game company, my first experience working in "tech." Those boys swore all the time.
At first, I was appalled. I couldn't believe it. It seemed so rude and ridiculous. They seemed so smart, did they not know any other adjectives? Or nouns? Or adverbs?
But then once I started saying that dreaded bad 'f' word, well, it just seemed to be the right word for so many occasions. I understood, I became like them. Sort of.
When I was about 5, I think, I wrote fuck on the wall in the family room at our house on West 16th. My mom saw it and was appalled. She thought one of the neighbor boys had written it. They were naughty, they did stuff like that sometimes.
"Who wrote this?!" she demanded. I was too young to lie, so I told her it was me. I could almost see her counting to 5. Or 8, maybe.
"Do you know what it means?" She asked, in a nicer voice. Of course not, I was 5, or so.
My mom's a nurse. She told us about the facts of life early on, as if sex were a normal part of animal behavior, and it was just one of those things animals and humans did to get babies. Except dogs didn't have to wait to go to college and get married to do it.
Anyhoo, once my mom told me what fuck actually meant, I couldn't believe I'd written that on the wall with a pencil. I was mortified.
"Why would in the world would people say that as a cuss word?" I asked. It just seemed like a really stupid word to say or write on a wall, and I told her. I mean, at the time, the way she explained it, I figured sex was just a normal thing, like brushing your teeth, only a bit more embarrasing, since it involved your bottom. So of course you would need privacy for that, and you'd need to wash your hands afterwards.
"I don't know," she said with a sigh, "I think it's a dumb word too. Now erase it."
I tried, but it made a big black smudge on the white wall. I vowed then and there never, ever to use that word again.
Now it's just another promise to myself I've broken, I guess. Just like those other ones: "I'll never gain that 20 pounds back again!" and "I don't think we should have sex until we're married."
I actually told my husband that one! He laughed and laughed when I said it. But then he got a little nervous, because what if I really meant it?