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Monday, December 29, 2008

Starting Something Big - Preparing for my Oprah Moment

As some of you know, my husband and I have been working our fingers to the bone on a start-up company that will change the world.

Except, in real life, I wish my fingers were bonier, because then my wedding ring I got 16 years ago would fit better. Right now my fingers are chubby, like the rest of me.

Also, everyone thinks their start-up company will change the world, because Guy Kawasaki, the start-up guru, tells us, point blank, that if you aren't going to change the world, don't bother having a start up company in the first place. So, of course, everyone says "we're going to change the world!" Duh.

Actually, we're just hoping to change America. Our company will make it easier for help people figure out their 401k. Americans need some help with this stuff, please and thank you. Most of us are scared to open our 401k statement envelopes, and that's no good. We've got to start taking care of our own future, for our own selves here, people.

My husband and I got lucky. Yes, we really did. We found some amazing people to help us, and we're ready to launch this company soon, so you can start using these easy tools and open your envelopes.

We're moving fast, fast, fast, and it's a wild ride, I tell you.

So, anyway, we've been working over here at our dining room table, and I'm sorry that the Chubby Mommy Running Club has been neglected. But then, so has my running, so I guess I'm just being fair. I'm still chubby though, so don't worry. I see no immediate threats to my Chubby Mommy blog persona or my actual body image changing any time soon.

I'll be setting up a new blog, or two, and I hope you'll read those in your spare time. One will be a business blog that our employees and investors contribute to. It will focus on what the heck we're doing and why, and we'll share good links and news about finances with our readers.

The other business blog will be all about my personal little journey through start-up land, to share the story with typical funny @juliejulie stories, because the whole process is really something and I've learned so much in the past year that sometimes it seems like my head might explode from all this extra knowledge that's getting crammed in there.

It's a story with a soundtrack, by the way. We have an angel investor guy composing a song for us. I bet Guy Kawasaki doesn't have his own theme song. I'm just sayin'.

Don't hold your breath just yet, I'll let you know when these new blogs are up and running (just a figure of speech, of course.)

Indeed, I'm excited about the business, but for the record? I'm a tiny bit worried that we'll be so popular that Oprah will want to talk to us, and the next thing you know, I'll be sitting in a chair between Suze and Oprah, up there on the stage.

And, well, what am I supposed to wear on her show? I'll need to lose 20 pounds of fat and gain 30 pounds of muscle in like, 2 weeks maybe, and I'm not sure I can. Seems like I should start now, right? To give myself a head start?


Thank goodness Oprah's last magazine cover shot showed her with her before "super fit" self next to her after "Oops, I gained all my weight back" shot. So, she understands me and my delima, I bet. I'm positive she won't point at me and laugh a meanish laugh and say "OMG, you really ARE fat! I thought you were just making all that up for your blog!" She wouldn't.

But still, I should have something long-sleeved and drapery-ish standing by in my closet, just in case. Right?

I'm thinking if I just get some really, really good shoes and a few nice accessories, the camera will accentuate the positive and people will focus on my pluses, not my minuses. As in, the sparkly things I'll be wearing, not the "plus" part in the plus-sized outfit.

What do you think? Maybe I should just get a hot pink shirt and sit next to Suze.

And if I smile and laugh enough, and act all professional while I'm talking to Oprah, I'll be fine and my t.v. image will be...fine.


So, I'm practicing my Oprah speech in the car, when no one else is around, just in case I get the call. I'm imagining the whole thing as a casual conversation, and I'm getting pretty good at it.

Don't worry, I'll make it sound natural and un-rehearsed, like I just happened to think of some super clever, smarty-pants things to say while I'm sitting there in the chair next to Oprah. We'll just be chatting about the state of America's financial meltdown, and the future of our country. And I'll sound super knowledgeable.

"Oh yes, Oprah!" I'll say. "I do know a bit about financial...stuff. I'm super, super smart at math and compounding interest and...things of that nature and sort. No, I'm not really a programmer, I'm a Fine Arts major, but I do know how to make hyperlinks on my blog (!) (the exclamation point is a reminder for myself, it means add excitement to my voice to make it sound like I'm smart and confident!)

"Oh, Oprah, I could talk about algorithms all day, if I wanted to, but I will refer this particular technical question to our CEO, because he speaks with a lovely, Irish accent, and everything just sounds better when he says it. Oh, and did I tell you how smart my husband is? He's the one who thought of all the secret smart (patent pending) stuff. I'm serious, he is super smart. That's why I married him, actually. Would you like me to tell you about how we met?"

See, then I'd sort of lead her back to talking about me, and I'd tell her a funny story or two (maybe one sweet one about how my husband was wearing red socks and penny loafers the day I met him, or something about Pierre the Puppy, or about when the sun roof leaked during the car wash, or that time my tongue turned black on Christmas.)

And then Suze Orman would walk on stage and the crowd would go wild, and I'd say a bunch of smart-ish stuff again (and encourage my husband and the CEO talk to her) to prove to Suze that indeed, we really do know what we're talking about over here, and I think she's just fabulous by the way, and I especially love her orange jacket she's wearing (!) and does she go to lunch with Jim Cramer much, because if so, I'd sure like to join them because they are both such characters and it'd be such a hoot (!) and by the way if you could just introduce me to Erin Burnett, omg, I'd be so thrilled (!) because my main reason for getting into shape is to be able to wear one of those giraffe dresses like Erin wore in that video with Cramer, and I really think Erin and I might end up being BFF's, because she so smart and funny and I really like her (!)

Do you think Oprah would lend me Bob Green for just a week or two before I go on her show? I mean, I could write about him here on the blog, and pretend he's super mean and forces me to do 100 push ups a day so my arms will look good, draped in giraffe fabric or not, when I go on her show.

But then, in the end, I'd be all "Oh, just kidding! He's marvelous, can he stay another month, please?" I'm sure it'd help him get even more popular. He could write a book about me if he wanted, I swear I would not mind one bit. Do you think he'll make me Rollerblade?

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, forgive me. I have a lot of driving to this week, to practice for my Oprah Moment. I could get the call any day, you never know.

Man, I hope I don't run out of gas.


deb said...

Heck, I honestly hope you can come to BlogHerCon this summer (either the business day or the whole enchilada) and share some wisdom with us all. It might almost be better than Oprah...

(in Chicago mid July).

juliejulie said...

oooh, I'd love to come to BlogHerCon! I've never even been to Chicago, ever. I don't know that I'm much of an expert though. Does that matter?

Fawn said...

I think this will help me. I have several unopened 401k envelopes and loathe even thinking about things like that.

Deby said...

I for one could use some help manuvering my 401K, so let me know when you launch.

As for Oprah and Suze - you should show up in true Bend style. Jeans and a fleece top. You'll get to grace their stages all too soon with your energy.

PaMdora said...

Have you read "Confessions of a Shopaholic"? The stories of your upcoming tv interviews remind me of it, funny book.