My Costco, My Life

Today I went to Costco. Usually, I get a secret rush of happy when I think of shopping at Costco, even though it wears me out.

There's just so much stuff there. Stuff I don't even know I want until I see it. And even if I don't buy it, I just like to be aware of it, and to think about it. You know, to wish for it a little, for next time, when I probably won't buy it either.

Hey, a girl's gotta have dreams. I'm just being honest about my consumerism fantasies, here. Don't be judgey or throw rocks at me.

The truth is, I don't really buy that much stuff I don't need any more, since I'm always on a budget and my house is full of way.too.much.stuff. as it is. The other truth is, my usual Costco purchases are boring, and 90% the same every time.

So I'll spare you the list of what I usually buy (like fruits and vegetables, toilet paper, laundry soap, yawn) and tell you about the things I thought about buying, but didn't. Because that list changes with the seasons, the inventory and the phases of the moon.

Things I didn't Buy at Costco on December 29, 2009:

Dear FTC spies: none of these companies pay me in cash or prizes for what I'm about to say.

Dear companies: call me if you want to.

1. Dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds from Brookside. I thought the flavors might be interesting, but couldn't figure out how you'd spit the seed out. When I realized there wasn't a seed, it was just pomegranate flavor inside chocolate, it dawned on me that the whole thing was candy, and I was not going to spend $9.99 on candy that I didn't need to eat. Walked away. Phew. Close call on that one.

2. InvertAlign Inversion Table which is a contraption (that looks all fitness/home gym-ish) you strap yourself into so you can flip yourself upside down. I have to admit, the whole thing is a tiny bit scary, and sexy at the same time. I mean...well. It's like standing on your head without the balancing part. Just look at the phraseology on the box: Adjustable nylon tether stops the bed at any desired angle of inversion. Features the NEW Flexion Bed Design and Easy-reach support handles with built in Traction Bars. And the best part: Medical Grade quality, tested to 400% safety factor.

See? Seriously safe. And Sexy. But it was $400, so I walked away.

3. Orange Roses for $14.99. I do like flowers. Especially orange ones and especially if other people buy them for me. I didn't NEED them. So I smelled them, appreciated them, then walked away.

4. Instant Facial Sculpting Cream from StriVetcin. Huh? This product stopped me in my tracks. Sounds very Twilight Zone if you ask me. Think about it. Costco sells a cream that sculpts your face? So if you put this stuff on your face, you can reshape it? Your face I mean? Does it dissolve your skin and your bones a little so you can push them around into a more pleasing arrangement? Wow. And look, there's more: It even reduces the appearance of “ear wrinkles”... those nasty little lines in front of your ears (you know, the wrinkles you ignore but everyone else gets to see).

I think she is having her face sculpted by a face artist

Again with the WOW. I didn't even know I had ear wrinkles. Should I spend $78 to reshape ear wrinkles? Totally walked away.

5. Silk Infusion Cationic Hydration Interlink Some of you may recall that I'm never quite satisfied with my hair, although I did like it when Rachel made me look like Sarah Palin once:

So I seriously considered purchasing this stuff to add to my overflowing drawer of other stuff I buy to try to trick nature out of the inevitable, natural 44 year old hair change I'm going through this year. But the word Cationic sounded too much like Catatonic, and even though my hair is old, dead hair isn't appealing. Walked away.

6. A baby. I saw the cutest 5 month old baby girl wearing a lovely pink argyle knitted hat stare at me from her mother's arms. I knew she wasn't for sale, but I felt a strong tug of maternal instinct and longing to touch her soft little cheek and talk her into a smile, and maybe ask around to see if she needed to be adopted or I should find another one to adpot, or maybe talk my husband into reversing his vasectomy, or something.

I squashed those feelings right back down where they belong, and bought a bag of dog chewies instead to remind myself that I bought a puppy last year instead so I wouldn't think of having any more babies.

And then, it was time to walk away from the baby and go home. So I did.